Who Wants to get Teabagged?!?!?!?

Today in cities across the United States, right wingers who disapprove of congress's current massive spending spree (see TARP, Bailouts, etc) held their own makeshift modernized versions of the Boston Tea Party which protested various acts imposed on the colonies by Great Britain in 1773. And much like people from the year 1773, many individuals do not understand that by saying you're attending a "tea bag party" people may think you're more interested in this. 

I'm not so much disappointed in the cause as I am with the lack of knowledge for common slang. The right wing is trying not to seem quite as out of touch as the rest of the country believes it to be, yet continually, these things happen. More importantly, if this is the future of GOP grassroots movements, the right may be in trouble. Not only was there an issue with the GOP chairman speaking at a tea party, but none of the 2012 presidential candidates showed up to, as well.

 

My question is what this portrays about Americans and the direction of the country. As of right now 53% of the country approves of expanded government, but thats not an overwhelming majority. So the irony may just be that the idiots that don't know what teabagging means actually have a leg to stand on. 

Also the White House got teabagged...

Another WTF from Glenn Beck

Fox News' teenage girl of a talking head, Glenn Beck, gave some important insight to to the way politics works last night with an incredible demonstration using a circle with the word "freedom" written on it attached to a string that was passed between two women. This "pendulum," he said, swung from left to right depending on who was in "power," demonstrating how Democrats and Republicans historically have traded power after eras of being in control. Just fucking brilliant if you ask me. 

I don't know what I'm more disappointed in, the fact that Beck thinks his audience needs such a dumbass demonstration, or the fact that people watch this guy. Seriously, in the past few months he's accused Obama of being a heroin dealer, wept like a hysterical tween, and implied the president is planning to proverbially set Americans on fire...

And to top it off, apparently he has superpowers that can cause people to collapse at his will. I feel like one day he's just going to go crazy Looney Toons style, and shoot off a bunch of fireworks and jump out a window, which, on second thought, wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. 

                                                  

Seats for Sale, Here!

Today, Rod Blagojevich plead "not guilty" to charges of racketeering and other assorted political malfeasance, the most notable being the sale of Barack Obama's senate seat. There are a number of sources connecting Blago to a five million dollar donation from Jesse Jackson Jr., but so far, no formal connections has been made. More importantly, Blago insists that this trial will be a huge win for him. 

"Now we can begin the process of getting the truth out and I can clear my name and vindicate myself."

I'm not sure if he understands what is going on. He gave basically the same speech at his impeachment trial and he lost...unanimously... 59-0. This means that all of his political peers said that they don't care, and they don't believe him. I almost feel bad for him because it seems that he doesn't understand the gravity of a possible 4 million dollar, 300 year prison sentence. I just hope the resort prison they put him in has his brand of rum, and the daily masseuse is a hot chick, and the helper monkeys are plentiful. 

You Lost, Norm, and Yeah It Was To That Guy...

                                             

Joe Scarborough of MSNBC called out Norm Coleman (also pictured here) regarding his ongoing legal battle to overturn the Minnesota Senate election that should have been finalized on November 4th. Scarborough went on to say, 

"Seriously. Norm, I like you. You lost. Okay. Can we seat a senator so Amy [Klobuchar] doesn't have to do the job of two Senators? It is seriously not fair to constituents in Minnesota to drag this out any longer. It is over Norm, okay. It is over."

While it is unlikely that Normy will concede before the Supreme Court weighs in, Joe Scarborough is just the latest to call for an end to what seems to be an unending stream or recounts and semantics. I wanted to express my sympathies with Sen. Coleman though. If he loses this election (which is likely, but still) he will have to endure an unending stream of insults, most of which will be, "You lost to that guy?" Al Franken made a political name for himself by calling Rush Limbaugh an idiot and Bill O'Reilly a liar. That's like becoming a pilot by sticking your arms and running around or a professional acrobat by falling down a flight of stairs and not dying. 

If I could offer one bit of support for Norm though, there is a guru who has helped even the elite in the NBA to come to terms with difficult situations. I hope this brings some solace.

Great Deals to Guantanamo: Act Fast!

Did you every want to see how the other half lives in Cuba? Do you want to watch American Military Forces rape Gitmo detainees before they shut down? Well now you can!

The White House just released restrictions on travel to Cuba, according to Huffington Post. It's a great day. Finally I can go visit Cuba! Wait? You have to be Cuban in order to go?

I knew that Barack Obama was a racist. I fucking knew it. Giving privileges to his fellow African brothers. That's bullshit. I mean if I was Hispanic I'd be really pissed right now...

NY BOOZE HOUNDS

Former Staten Island representative Vito "Fugheddaboutdit" Fossella decided to plead guilty today to his DUI in Virginia. You remember? That time when he got pulled over and said he was going to visit his kid from his gumar that no one knew about except for everyone in Congress. According to the NY Daily News:

he walked in at 9 a.m. and pleaded guilty - after apparently being moved by the death of Los Angeles Angels' pitcher Nick Adenhart, his lawyer told the Daily News.

"There was a lot of publicity about Nick Adenhart," defense lawyer Jerry Phillips told The News outside the courthouse. "It placed his case in an atmosphere where a lot of emotion was involved."

So lets recap. This congressman, who got arrested over a year ago for a DUI, finally decided to plead guilty because a pitcher who he didn't know from a team which he didn't root for in a city that's three thousand miles away from where he lives, is what brought him to his come to Jesus moment.

Vito, I loved you. You reminded me of all those extras who got whacked in The Sporanos. The guys that you really were hoping got killed about five episodes before they did. Tony Blundetto comes to mind. Then you go ahead an pull this. Stop trying to sympathize with the camera to continue your fame. I'm embarrassed for you. Seriously, I had the douche chills while writing this.

MSNBC is sexy...Dog Sexy...

One of the more irritating stories in last year's campaign was that Barack Obama would buy his daughters a puppy if he won the White House (but him beating them senseless with a sack of oranges if he didn't win got zero press coverage).  So finally this past weekend the Obama's received this 6 month old Portuguese Water Dog, which they named "Bo", as a gift from Sen. Ted Kennedy. 

And in keeping with the pointless Kennedy style sexual sensationalism, MSNBC released an article that describes the origins of Bo the puppy, and suffice it to say, it is not as romantic as Lady and the Tramp. 

"While Parker sipped a Budweiser and held Penny's [Bo's Father's] leash, Watson did what stud dogs do. Was it love? Apparently not."

I'll admit I had to read the article again just to clarify how many times the breeder did not have sexual relations with a dog. I would like to commend MSNBC for their groundbreaking exposé on dog sex and the emotional ramifications that Bo, being the product of such a harsh reality, might experience as the Obama's dog.

Joe Biden Tells the Truth...Again, Is Cranky, May Require Nap

                   

The proverbial "gloves" have come off recently since Joe Biden has declared that during the previous presidency, he chastised Bush in a private meeting in the oval office saying something to the effect of "Mr. President, you may be leading, but nobody is following." 

The balls on that guy eh? Telling the president what's what? Except it's Joe Biden, so the story isn't true at all. 

Karl Rove went over his presidential notes (and the only reason I trust this is because he used to bring a  cart full of notes to his debates in college, in addition to this being a Joe Biden story) and claims the entire story is false. Rove says the meeting never happened and calls Biden a "liar" and a "blowhard" which has sparked some outrage from the left. But maybe Joe Biden actually believes this happened? What if there is an alternate reality inside Joe Biden's head?

The question now though: Is Joe Biden a pathological liar, or just an idiot?

You Decide

Iowa and Vermont are Gayer than Massachusetts and California

I don't know why or how it happened, but Iowa and Vermont became strongholds for gay Americans in the past week by passing legislature that allows for gay marriages. The momentum doesn't stop there however. The District of Columbia is moving to pass a bill that would allow for gays to get married in the district and Maine, New York, New Jersey, and New Hampshire all have plans to follow suit. 

Wow! Vermont and Iowa are gayer than the rest of the country right now... Who saw that coming, really? I mean Massachusetts has one of the most notably gay congressmen in Barney Frank, and California's newfound boner for Harvey Milk is astounding in that they want to give him a holiday. Iowa is effectively "America's Heartland" and Vermont is known for maple syrup and skiing. These two states being pioneers in anything (other than new levels of boring) is amazing.

Perhaps this is the time for gay Americans, though. The only thing that can be certain is that Rachel Maddow's huge smugboner has reached a staggering new height. I hope he and that handsome woman he lives with eventually settle down  and have kids now that everyone in the country can legally be married somewhere in America. Also, why did Rachel's parents give him a girls name?

                                       

Levi, Levi, Levi

                               

In a story that just refuses to die, Levi "Coulddabeen Palin" Johnston has been appearing all over daytime news shows this week to give "his side" of the story and his thoughts on how the Palins have been treating him. 

I feel so bad for this kid. I mean he broke off his engagement to a governor's daughter and he misses his son. 

JACKASS!! No I don't pity this chucklefuck. He had a chance to marry into political royalty (at this point anyways) and he blew it, and is now burning every single bridge along the way to reconciliation. In addition to severing ties with the Palin family, this kid is completely ignorant of the fact that he comes off like an idiot. 

My favorite part of the video is when Maggie Rodriguez reports that if he doesn't get a call to model or act, he'll be an electrician. Why even set the bar that low? NASA doesn't want you to be an astronaut? Hugh Heffner didn't offer you a Playboy apprenticeship? 

More importantly, this kid has become outraged at the public opinion that his family is "white trash". To do some research, we consulted his myspace page that (obviously) defends his reputation as an upright citizen. It reads, "I'm a f*kin' redneck who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes." Hmm...wait... that doesn't sound right. That sounds like the exact opposite of what he meant. 

Moreover, again as he defends this allegation, his sister, Mercede (yeah, just like the car) got a wrist tattoo...of her brother's name... Who gets a wrist tattoo...of their brother's name? More importantly, Sherry Johnston, Levi's mom, could face jail for her drug charges.

I just don't understand why he doesn't do more interviews in a wife-beater and jorts. I mean c'mon, it worked for K-Fed right?

U.S. 1 - Pirates 0

The BBC is reporting that 20 members of a U.S. crew that were hijacked by pirates off the coast of Somalia, regained control over the Maersk Alabama, continuing our tradition of over 200 years without losing a vessel to foreign seizure.

In more bad news for the pirates, the freecreditreport.com guys have removed their pirate hats in favor of a renaissance fair, the Pirates lost to the Cardinals 9-3, and Evan Stone remains the "greatest pirate hunter in the world."

UPDATE::::: The captain of the Maersk Alabama is apparently still held captive on a smaller lifeboat by the pirates. But wait, this doesn't mean the pirates tie just yet. The FBI is now involved and has claimed that the lifeboat is out of fuel. (haha fuck you pirates, you still suck) When asked for comment, this man said, "Thar cap'n bettar get ta rowin', er else he'll walk ther plank!" Fucking pirates...

Obama Movie Coming!!!!!

FINALLY!!!!!!!!

Sony and HBO Documentaries have released a statement that they will be making the Barack Obama movie. The film, titled "By The People: The Election of Barack Obama" will trace the political career of the President through the campaign up to inauguration.

Wow, I don't know about all of you, but I'm super excited for this movie. I mean he's been in office for what, 75ish days? So this has been a long, LONG, time coming. I'm also excited for the reality TV show MTV will inevitably put on about the Obama daughers. Look out Gossip Girl!!!

note: no word yet on whether or not Tracy Morgan or Eddie Murphy will play an array of family members or flatulent supporters.(see: Norbit)

Joe Biden Tells the Truth

Joe Biden was at Fr. Bragg today welcoming home troops from Iraq. During the course of his speech he reiterated (almost to death) that Joe Biden is for the troops, he's visited Iraq before, and he's all for their safety and the preservation of this image...

During the course of the speech, Biden made reference to how he fought for the MRAP vehicle to be brought overseas to help our troops (MRAP is a vehicle that carries more troops in a single load and has a V-shaped hull to protect against IED attacks). This is all well and good too, right? Wrong. Biden knowingly voted in favor of the MRAP despite a variety of faults the vehicle has. 1st the thing is too damn big to fit down the streets in Iraq and Afghanistan. Second, the thing has protection for IED's up to Frag 5. Current IED's go up to Frag 6, which means when he voted for it, he knew it was ill prepared to protect the troops as is. The most staggering flaw in the vehicle is its slow moving pace too. To put it simply, when this vehicle gets attacked by anything more than a Frag 5 IED, it becomes an ill defended sitting duck, with more vulnerable troops inside. It seems facts are easily set aside when a donation from BAE is given to your ill fated presidential run, or when trying to win a debate against Sarah Palin.

Check out this video's comments from the troops. Notice also in the video how nimble this armored vehicle is moving over shallow slopes and bumps. I'm sure the troops are happy with this glorified Budget Rent-a-Van (at least a van allows them to maneuver through streets without pulling down electrical wires).

note: Sarah Palin image is not actually Sarah Palin, but who cares...

Kal Penn Is Doing What?

According to Entertainment Weekly (and yes, they broke this one first), Kal Penn is joining the Obama administration. His new official title will be "Associate Director of the White House office of Public Liaison and Intergovernmental Affairs."

Are you fucking kidding me? Kumar is getting a white house gig? Seriously? I haven't done a single drug in the last 10 years because I'm waiting for the FBI background check, just in case I'm able to swing an interview in this place, but this asshole, who made a fortune on a movie about getting high, drunk, and eating sliders, gets Associate Director of blah blah blah.

Welcome to D.C. Kumar, and fuck you for taking my dreams without even trying.

Sarah Palin Sex Story

Eminem's new single, "We Made You"(fwd to 1:35), features a shout out to former Republican Vice-Presidential Candidate and current Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin. The song implies a sexual rendezvous between the two (shocker) and fails to touch on her turning down 36 million dollars in stimulus funds for special needs children or her recent scandal with Levi "Coulddabeen Palin" Johnston on the Tyra Banks show. WTF Mr. Mathers? I expect rich political commentary from someone like you. Guess I'll just have to turn to the freestyle musings of Colbert and Michael Steele (link at end of post).

However, Eminem does reach out to Lindsay Lohan, Kim Kardashian, and Jessica Simpson, though to my knowledge, none have had that much to do with politics lately...

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
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Obama Doesn't Want Anyone Else to Have Fun.

Daniel Libit has an article up on Politico this morning on how the American tourist destinations are taking a hit because of major corporations canceling their retreats. According to the article:

In February, President Barack Obama took a backhanded slap at Vegas in a warning to taxpayer-funded companies: "You can’t get corporate jets," the president said. "You can’t take a trip to Las Vegas or go down to the Super Bowl on the taxpayers’ dime."

This in turn led Rep. Dina Titus (D-Nev) into a panic attack about how the government is trying to kill business in the state. After her speech, the bosses called Joe Pesci and he had to have a sitdown in the desert with Titus about being to high profile and 'fucking up business.' Dina 'Ace' Titus was then almost killed in a botched car bombing and then went back to doing books in San Diego.

One of Sam's Muppet Counterparts on the Stump

Barney Frank was at the JFK Jr school not fielding questions. A student inquired about Big Barn's involvement in the economic crisis, and Frank responds by talking about stuff he's done lately, like improving on his Robert Byrd mumbling impression.

This is one of the most awkward back and forth battles. Frank deflects any question the kid asks, and the kid, obviously frazzled, can't figure out quite what to ask this mumbling dope.

This would be like a tennis match with a golf ball. They both try to shoot back and forth, ducking the golf ball flying back at them. More importantly, why the fuck are they using a golf ball?

In the end Frank assures everyone that it is not his fault that all of this happened, but the fault of the right wing media (video courtesy of FoxNews). He then tried to blow the kid, because that's what he does.